Setting the Bar: A Comedy of Errors
In a world where mediocrity reigns supreme, one company dared to dream of something greater. Enter New Standard, the plucky upstart determined to revolutionize everything from toothpicks to rocket science. Their mission? To become the new… well, standard.
It all began when founder Mitch “The Standardizer” Johnson stubbed his toe on a subpar coffee table. As he hopped around his living room, cursing the shoddy craftsmanship, a lightbulb moment struck. “Why settle for average when we could aim for slightly above average?” he exclaimed to his perplexed goldfish.
The Quest for Quirkiness
Armed with nothing but a dream and a comically oversized ruler, Mitch set out to standardize the world. His first target? The humble banana. “Why should nature dictate the shape of our fruit?” he pondered, ignoring centuries of evolutionary biology. After months of rigorous testing (and countless banana smoothies), New Standard proudly unveiled the world’s first perfectly straight banana.
Critics called it “unnecessary,” “wasteful,” and “an affront to potassium-loving primates everywhere.” Mitch called it progress.
Standardizing the Unstandardizable
Emboldened by their fruity success, New Standard set their sights on bigger targets:
- Cloud shapes (now available in three FDA-approved designs)
- The duration of awkward silences (4.7 seconds, no more, no less)
- The perfect sneeze volume (measured in “achoos” per decibel)
But it wasn’t all smooth sailing. Their attempt to standardize the length of a “minute” to 73 seconds was met with widespread confusion and missed appointments. And don’t even get us started on the “One Size Fits All” underwear debacle of 2022.
A New Standard of Failure
As New Standard’s list of questionable achievements grew, so did public skepticism. Their crowning failure came with the launch of “StandardSpeak,” a language designed to eliminate all ambiguity and nuance from human communication.
“Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick?” Mitch explained at the press conference, unknowingly quoting a popular TV show character.
The result? A linguistic nightmare that made corporate jargon sound like poetry. Suddenly, “I love you” became “Affection levels: Optimal. Commitment status: Engaged.” Romance was dead, and New Standard had killed it.
The Final Standardization
In a twist of irony, New Standard’s relentless pursuit of uniformity led to their downfall. As they attempted to standardize their own company culture, employees rebelled against the mandatory matching jumpsuits and synchronized lunch breaks.
In the end, New Standard became a cautionary tale, a reminder that sometimes, it’s our quirks and imperfections that make life interesting. And as for Mitch? He’s rumored to be working on his next big idea: standardizing uniqueness. We wish him the best of luck – he’s certainly going to need it.